IDEAL

The thing is.....idealism is what i am. to live in clouds of imaginary scenery is like a medicine that cure me in this crazy- unpredictable world. As a mortal you have to deal with so- called variations of everything that yours eyes can perceived,...that your ears can hear,...emotions that you can touch or feel. the idea of living is being needed by anyone..and...you,..needing someone to complete your life.
 
 
To talk about life and love...very cliche yet it brought out the invisible spirit of humanity. So ordinary, i was thinking about this thing, inspired to write what's on my mind and how i feel...all because of that poetic- illustrator- romantic louisian guy. maybe its not that important if i don't write his name here; he just wake me up...make me sway in ideal. With all his poem, illustrations and prose orchestrate my inner longing...to be in love and taste the clandestine of sweet- humoric so- called Love. yes, I'm inlove deep inside...my heart was smiling.

 

"invisible"

"All i want is to see myself in his eyes.....to be the reason of his every smile....and to be the definition of his Love".

yes..what's wrong if i feel this way?

cause no matter what i do,..

no matter how i ignore this feeling...

no matter how i said to myself that he can't never be mine...

and no matter what he do..

even if it will make me glad or sad..

even if  it will hurt me...

 nothing had change..

the feeling goes strong..

and i don't know how it will fade away!!!!

he's the reason of my smile...no matter how sad i am..

he's the reason of my sadness no matter how happy i am..

maybe this is craziness...what can i do????

if i can just teach my heart...

if i can just change everything...

if i could just forget him in an instant..

i know i'm just invisible to him..

and i will never be the one for him...

that's the reality and all i can do is to live with it!!!!!!

"aFter yOur hEart"

Bring me to the highest mountains
Bring me to the widest plains
Fly me to the skies above
I'd still call out Your name

Bring me to the deepest waters
Drive me through the longest roads
Take me away from these shadows
I'd still call out Your name
I'll stand firm and pray


Cuz I don't wanna go somewhere else
I wanna run towards You
I don't wanna look away
Cuz my eyes are fixed on You
I don't wanna live for someone else
Cuz You gave a brand new start
And these feet'll keep on going
I'm after Your heart

Bring me to Your love's chambers
Bring me in Your midst
bring me to the palm of your hands

Sail me towards the rising sun
Sail me through the rivers run
Spread my wings awide
And I'll still call out Your Name
I'd stand firm and pray


Nothing else can satisfy, I'm after Your heart
To You alone, I give my life, I'm after Your heart
Cuz no matter where I go
No matter what I do
these feet were made to run after You
Only You

[ i have no idea until when i could feel this way. . .chance is all i need ...to change everything and to make wrong things be right. . .but you don't give the chance . .you don't know how this hurts me . ..maybe your'e not meant for me. . .maybe you'll just the memory of my cognizant past . ..my home . . .which now burned and turned to ash . . .now its time to leave and say i love you,..Goodbye . . .DJP.]

"An oPen doOr with GOD"

I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart;
I will tell of all the marvelous thigs you have done.
I will be filled with joy because of you.
I will sing praisesto ou name, O Most High.

Psalm 9: 1-2

I've realized that as a human I am weak and I did such things that is more than of who I am.


Yes, I cry because I can't hold o to what I feel.
I fall inlove to someone that supposed should not be.
I lied to my family just to get what i want.
I had hurted my friends because I thought I am different from them.
I hated people around me for the eason that I felt they don't accept me.
I blame myself for all the pain, disappointments and heartaches.
I even get drunk and did foolish things that i never thought that i can do.



I am a person who committed with these mistakes and learned that life is a mixture of bitter- sweet memories. Someday, it will knock on you, and ask yourself "what is my happiness?..How and where i could find my happiness?". They say that happiness is about contentment on how you enjoy and love your life...yes, it is. More than anything else, I want to find my happiness with God. I was asking and reaching him to finally found myself, I want to know where should I be and what is my pupose in this journey. I want to ready myself if i was meant to commit myself to him and finally give my heart and soul to him.

For all the tears and pain that i had felt in my existence, I know it never change the sacrifice that he did fo me. God is always there to wipe my tears, help me to cope- up and teach me to fogive. If i offer my life to him, it will never be enough compare to the things that he had done for me.

I want to change and be a better peson despite of all the temptations, imperpections, weaknesss and mistakes. I want to be his servant who can share the words of wisdom to the people. I want to hear the voice of the world, uttering the good news of God, I wan to see the laughter ad smiles of the peole because he is the center of their life.


I want to find happiness through the path that God offers me to walk on.


God is the only man in my Life.

He is my First Love.

side A..siDe B...my blOod typE is AB!!!

Geez!!i am worst than ever...so what???haha

I am different that's why i hate people different from me..(so evil??hmm)

Sometimes i'm tired to be a goody- goody girl,..cause not all people deserve it from me..(my dark side..side B)

I HATE..... hmm, many to mention!!

what i really want to do??but i can't???because what??

i want to shout and say out- loud,..I hate you..then get- out of my sight!!

raise my eye- brow..then smirk..and say "SHUT- Up!!" 

just be quiet and dont't talk ever again..

grr!!it really sucks...i really hate "maarte"..it irritates me!!

(i prefer to be alone..making my life at peace...away from contamination)

I discover things by myself..alone!

pEople whom i thought would be there till last,..gone..alone!

(maybe that's why now i can't give my whole self to others..for the reason that i'm tired to care and love them cause at the end i will find myself alone!)

 

mEmOries of nObody

"sometimes you would rather not to meet someone whom you never want to leave you in unexpected time,..because it is hard to let go and forget the memories you shared before".- Rukia

         For this time around, Ichigo made me fall inlove with him again and again.. it was so sad because i haven't enough time to watch bleach,..because of observe thing. i can't see ichigo and i missed the episodes, i can't even watch in youtube for the fact that i have no time at all. I know this was so torture :(

But i had the chance to see him again in episode "memories of nobody"....with the girl Cena,..I really miss him so much ..his yellow- gold hair,.his expression,..his moves and his sanpaktu..(how i wish that he is real :)) I felt this familiar 'kilig' inside me..(so teenager,..haha), and maybe he's my debonair.(can i call him my "long- lost love?"..so crazy..hahah)

Anyway what i love about Bleach????? for me it is not just an anime series but there's something you can learn a lot from it..Friendship,..courage,..strenght and Love...It brought me to the world that i want and still inspire me. as i was dreaming that someday i will make a masterpiece like this, something maybe fantasy but can be real in anyone's mind..

"maybe in a seconds, it will gone but what's important is i can still hear her voice.."

- Ichigo

   

.........

I was supposed to sleep but i can't, honestly i was thinking a lot of things eventually those stuffs that i can't even imagine to myself that my mind could reached. Oh! maybe you're curious about it, how bold and dark my mind is (trying to be sound  funny)..anyway, i can share a little bit of it but not entirely.

Let me begin with this:

• so silly, I was imagining Ichigo Kurosaki (anime Bleach) is real.  I am really....really a big fan of him (i supposed you knew him). He was so cute and not just that, I really like hos character, a man of  few words, so tough yet so sweet inside and a knight and shining armor. I know he is just a fantasy but he makes me happy, that's how ridiculous i am and erratic my imagination is.
• what about my novel 'ASTRAL', i was bothered about the chapter 3 which happened i didn't started it yet apparently now i was in chapter 7 ( i skip it ). Aside from that i was thinking if i will continue to write it down here, i'm kinda shy to show it to everyone(lol), for the fact that i'm not really a writer. It's a product of my imagination and being HR (but i can say to myself that writing is my passion and i love to do it.).

Let me be to more serious entity...

toot..toot..blah...blah..blah..

• now, i asked myself about life, sounds melodramatic (kath and ehdrin always say i am so "emo", while my girlfriends say  "it's okey girl, that's natural). Anyway, my thoughts were deepening as if extracting every neurons of my brain.
• somewhat i relate life in three concepts of human existence......

Naturally....which means realism of life and GOD as the center of everything.

Scientifically....this embodied life with the knowledge of laws and principles toward the general truth. 

Serendipity....here comes the unexpected, surprises and chances of life. 

well, i think i always balance my life...I am a God- servant, a scientific person and an idealist. What more you can ask for????ha ha :)

Still i'm not Perfect