"An oPen doOr with GOD"

I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart;
I will tell of all the marvelous thigs you have done.
I will be filled with joy because of you.
I will sing praisesto ou name, O Most High.

Psalm 9: 1-2

I've realized that as a human I am weak and I did such things that is more than of who I am.


Yes, I cry because I can't hold o to what I feel.
I fall inlove to someone that supposed should not be.
I lied to my family just to get what i want.
I had hurted my friends because I thought I am different from them.
I hated people around me for the eason that I felt they don't accept me.
I blame myself for all the pain, disappointments and heartaches.
I even get drunk and did foolish things that i never thought that i can do.



I am a person who committed with these mistakes and learned that life is a mixture of bitter- sweet memories. Someday, it will knock on you, and ask yourself "what is my happiness?..How and where i could find my happiness?". They say that happiness is about contentment on how you enjoy and love your life...yes, it is. More than anything else, I want to find my happiness with God. I was asking and reaching him to finally found myself, I want to know where should I be and what is my pupose in this journey. I want to ready myself if i was meant to commit myself to him and finally give my heart and soul to him.

For all the tears and pain that i had felt in my existence, I know it never change the sacrifice that he did fo me. God is always there to wipe my tears, help me to cope- up and teach me to fogive. If i offer my life to him, it will never be enough compare to the things that he had done for me.

I want to change and be a better peson despite of all the temptations, imperpections, weaknesss and mistakes. I want to be his servant who can share the words of wisdom to the people. I want to hear the voice of the world, uttering the good news of God, I wan to see the laughter ad smiles of the peole because he is the center of their life.


I want to find happiness through the path that God offers me to walk on.


God is the only man in my Life.

He is my First Love.

side A..siDe B...my blOod typE is AB!!!

Geez!!i am worst than ever...so what???haha

I am different that's why i hate people different from me..(so evil??hmm)

Sometimes i'm tired to be a goody- goody girl,..cause not all people deserve it from me..(my dark side..side B)

I HATE..... hmm, many to mention!!

what i really want to do??but i can't???because what??

i want to shout and say out- loud,..I hate you..then get- out of my sight!!

raise my eye- brow..then smirk..and say "SHUT- Up!!" 

just be quiet and dont't talk ever again..

grr!!it really sucks...i really hate "maarte"..it irritates me!!

(i prefer to be alone..making my life at peace...away from contamination)

I discover things by myself..alone!

pEople whom i thought would be there till last,..gone..alone!

(maybe that's why now i can't give my whole self to others..for the reason that i'm tired to care and love them cause at the end i will find myself alone!)

 

mEmOries of nObody

"sometimes you would rather not to meet someone whom you never want to leave you in unexpected time,..because it is hard to let go and forget the memories you shared before".- Rukia

         For this time around, Ichigo made me fall inlove with him again and again.. it was so sad because i haven't enough time to watch bleach,..because of observe thing. i can't see ichigo and i missed the episodes, i can't even watch in youtube for the fact that i have no time at all. I know this was so torture :(

But i had the chance to see him again in episode "memories of nobody"....with the girl Cena,..I really miss him so much ..his yellow- gold hair,.his expression,..his moves and his sanpaktu..(how i wish that he is real :)) I felt this familiar 'kilig' inside me..(so teenager,..haha), and maybe he's my debonair.(can i call him my "long- lost love?"..so crazy..hahah)

Anyway what i love about Bleach????? for me it is not just an anime series but there's something you can learn a lot from it..Friendship,..courage,..strenght and Love...It brought me to the world that i want and still inspire me. as i was dreaming that someday i will make a masterpiece like this, something maybe fantasy but can be real in anyone's mind..

"maybe in a seconds, it will gone but what's important is i can still hear her voice.."

- Ichigo

   

.........

I was supposed to sleep but i can't, honestly i was thinking a lot of things eventually those stuffs that i can't even imagine to myself that my mind could reached. Oh! maybe you're curious about it, how bold and dark my mind is (trying to be sound  funny)..anyway, i can share a little bit of it but not entirely.

Let me begin with this:

• so silly, I was imagining Ichigo Kurosaki (anime Bleach) is real.  I am really....really a big fan of him (i supposed you knew him). He was so cute and not just that, I really like hos character, a man of  few words, so tough yet so sweet inside and a knight and shining armor. I know he is just a fantasy but he makes me happy, that's how ridiculous i am and erratic my imagination is.
• what about my novel 'ASTRAL', i was bothered about the chapter 3 which happened i didn't started it yet apparently now i was in chapter 7 ( i skip it ). Aside from that i was thinking if i will continue to write it down here, i'm kinda shy to show it to everyone(lol), for the fact that i'm not really a writer. It's a product of my imagination and being HR (but i can say to myself that writing is my passion and i love to do it.).

Let me be to more serious entity...

toot..toot..blah...blah..blah..

• now, i asked myself about life, sounds melodramatic (kath and ehdrin always say i am so "emo", while my girlfriends say  "it's okey girl, that's natural). Anyway, my thoughts were deepening as if extracting every neurons of my brain.
• somewhat i relate life in three concepts of human existence......

Naturally....which means realism of life and GOD as the center of everything.

Scientifically....this embodied life with the knowledge of laws and principles toward the general truth. 

Serendipity....here comes the unexpected, surprises and chances of life. 

well, i think i always balance my life...I am a God- servant, a scientific person and an idealist. What more you can ask for????ha ha :)

Still i'm not Perfect 

Prologue

I open my eyes..a dark shadow..so hazy...a picture of reflection ...a seconds its gone.

Consecutive nights, a dream that hunting me. There was a shadow that I can't visualized yet I felt it was real. It seems connected in my existence and made me into something that I want in my life. It even awaken my inner soul to a thing that seems missing for a very long time, like mystery that insufficient in half of my life. A dream that brought me to the world of illusion.

see chapter 1

"ASTRAL" a novel

As sweet and musical as bright Apollo's lute, strung with his hair,. And when Love speaks, the voice of all the gods makes heaven drowsy with the harmony.

William Shakespeare

"ASTRAL" a novel

"I was almost melted the way he looked at me...as i felt my heart whipping fast in bizaare manner. I knew we're both wounded but still breathing for our existence...Death never feared me as I feel his warmth that lingers in my vitality ,..it soothe me, complete me,,..and its all through behind the bruise ..with him I am intact".

The story of journey for love..to struggle and fight destiny.

LOve till its turning point between two different world.

something that i wish to have

he was a dream that i always wanted to be real..

but i guess,..we will remain like this..
hiding behind our shadows..
and now it is all over ,..
its just numb that nestled,..
everything was now in reality,.

mOve oN???silence is grieving

how hard is it to let go of someone you used to be with?
someone who makes you happy, sad and even mad..
someone who shares life and dreams with you..
someone who makes you smile, laugh and cry..
and the pain lingers as you think your not that someone
who belongs to him...its someone else..
and nothing you can do but just to deal with it..bitterly..

what's hard about moving on?
its when you wake- up..
he was the first person who comes on your mind..
then you realize he was gone in your life..
FOREVER..


teardrops falling and unstoppable..
you thought its okey,but its not..
silence is grieving..

today is a day

uhm,...

wHat a sUnny Day...

The mystery of Nature

The mystery of Nature

"Suds wiThin Mask"

Smiling...Laughing...without a heart
Projecting oneself into another
talking without words like a lyrics without chords
hiding in own shadow, real is what afraid to face
make believe that what to see is to believe
Prevarication is a damn clandestine of isolated soul
a false face unveiling the mask...
There's a suds within Mask.

pray is a way to God

self cRisis ....

It is real that life will be beautiful if we stand with God . .


well, life is not that easy the way we want to imagine ..


the way i want it to be ..


yet it is our role to live ..and survive. ..

even how much hard it is ...

and even times we'v hurt . ..


i don't know ..


for now i don't know what i want ..


there's no clear within my vision . .yet i tried to see bec i don't want God to be dissappointed . .

for everything i do . .he is my guide . .


my peace of mind . .



i'm so sorry for my friends . .


i know they can't understand me . .the way i can't understand myself . .


i'm sorry if i hurt them without my knowledge of doing so . .


maybe. ..i just need space . . .to comprehend what i really feel . .


what's wrong???


what,s right ???


my life . .asking God . .



for my happiness . .



and contentment . .